Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
