he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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