I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
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You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
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We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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