I wish they made helmets for livers.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
