just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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