You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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