he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
