dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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