Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
