She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
