Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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