I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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