I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
