I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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