last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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