Just cropdusted the office
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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