If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
