I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml