No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
