I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
