He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
