I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
