I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
