Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
In other news, I just burned my penis
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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