Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize