Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
