Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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