I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
