sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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