Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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