she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
