if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
