Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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