Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I need moral support for this bender
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
