ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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