the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
