the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
