i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
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Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
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The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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