either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
