I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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