i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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