I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
