Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
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I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.