even my farts smell like vagina
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.