I chose taco bell over sex...
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
Dating After Heartbreak
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.