38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
