So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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