Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
