The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
