I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
