i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I think I won the penis lottery.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
