Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
