Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
