Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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