hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
